Brad & Chad Present: Your Singapore Summit CliffsNotes

Kate6/12/2018 6:59 PM

Bros, bitcces. ::tips matching bucket hats in warm greeting:

Brad & Chad here to sling some *Singapore-Summit (*Home Depot bucket w/ 3 bottles Sloe Gin, 2 bottles Paul Masson Brandy, 32 cap-fulls CVS brand Tussin CF, 1lb sugar, various fruits & juices aquired from campus HUB) info your way.

Quick back-story: It’s a Vineyard Vines whale tale as old as time – the issues stem from legacies of olden days, when Nu Kappa (NK) kept getting in trouble for failing to upkeep their property, repeated alcohol violations, brothers flashing penises & weapons during tailgate SZN & reports of severe hazing.

Neighboring frat Upsilon Sigma Alpha (USA) tried to keep them in check & punish them by uniting with other frats, threatening to pull business from all local beer delivery spots & weed dealers who supplied NK. This further angered NK, who pulled deeper within themselves (& their sister sorority).

As years passed, pledges on either side of the white picket DMZ were taught to hate each other with a passion. Anxieties rose as NK continued their shenanigans, & illegal fireworks began popping up like the collars on pink Polos at O’Bangerz on Penny Pitcher nite. Though they always exploded prematurely with no discernible target, it was unnerving nonetheless.

Tensions finally boiled over when NK claimed to have footage of a wild Sigma Kappa (SK) party where the heads of various frats were seen blowing lines of Adderall off of a stolen NK paddle. USA demanded NK dispose of all the footage, but NK refused & threatened all-out war on SK.

When the school caught wind of tweets that could possibly be construed as maybe slightly dangerous, they threatened to ban all Greek Life the following year.

With Summer fast approaching, both sides realized something had to change or they’d lose it all. And thus, a historic summit was called this week. It was held on neutral turf at a nearby sorority known for their loose morals & adorable, supportive banners.

In a historic power-move, the summit kicked off with presidents of both frats, Brad-Lee Kim Un of NK & Chadwick Don Trump of USA, exchanging lengthy beer bongs while maintaining direct eye contact.

And negotiations got heated when talks turned to who had bigger basement bars of mass construction, & Don Trump challenged Kim Un to a game of *Atomic Pong (*hot-sauce moonshine in cups).

The room was dead silent as Kim bounced one in while Don was busy tweeting. This was followed by a collective intake of breath as Don answered with an off-the-wall, center-mast shot. It looked like things were about to fall apart when a nearby sorority girl came bursting onto the scene, rambling about her ex, Barry, ignoring her.

Fortunately, the break was a chance for both sides to cool off their over-reactors & appreciate the fact that they were not the biggest circus in the room. It was also a prime opportunity to showboat for the campus paper & soak in the attention both continuously crave.

Some have criticized Don for meeting with & praising Kim, because of the NK fraternity’s problematic history of torturing its own members, murdering innocent pledges and local journalists, & poisoning perceived enemies from surrounding frats.

Others have countered, saying any connection that can be made is progress, & if it keeps the total destruction of frat life as we know it at bay, it’s worth sucking it up & playing the game.

In the end, there was a treaty drunkenly scribbled out that didn’t seem to clarify much of anything, but perhaps it’s a start. NK still has the Adderall video, and USA still has the paddle, but for the moment, those involved (& not in NKs pledge-torture closet) can sip a Natty, light an American Spirit & enjoy a moment of peace from this historic meeting. You never know who’s gonna flip the next solo cup of wacky foreign policy, or where it will land.